MMXI

New years resolutions. Cause I mean come on, a New Year is not a new year without all the cliched shit that comes along with it. And that includes making up resolutions that i most probably will never see through. So here goes!

1. Be a better friend.

2. Try to be friendlier to everyone, don’t hold a grudge against anyone and try not to hate anyone (although that’s pretty impossible)

3. Be more active, in school, outside school, whatever. I just want to do something more productive with my life. Leave my mark somewhere.

4. Do well in school consistently. Don’t slack and don’t procrastinate.

5. Make more friends. (Doesn’t everyone just want to do that? My shyness may pose as a problem though :/)

6. Stay blissfully unaware of the drama that happens around me, and NEVER get involved.

7. Don’t waste too much money.

8. Don’t eat too much junk food.

9. Come to terms with the fact that I may not get a boyfriend for a while. (or never… really….)

10. Dance more and be a worthy captain for my crew.

I don’t really know what else there is to list down! So i guess that is it! For now… yaye (:

That ache in my chest.

I guess since no one actually reads this blog, I think it’s safe-ish for me to type this here.

So in 5 days time it’ll be Christmas and then 6 days after that it’ll be a new year. So with the new year approaching so rapidly, I felt the need to just say a few things to a few people that are supposedly the closest to me. Although, recently I feel that I’m not actually very much thought of among my friends, I just wanted to say a few words to them without being afraid of sounding incredibly whiny or annoying. It’ll be anonymous just to make me feel like i have some sort of privacy writing these.

And while brainstorming/thinking about doing this, i realise i actually have the smallest amount of close friends imaginable. I think that has to do with my first year experience in school. Naturally shy, i thought i should change it up a bit and be more outgoing. That led to a whole slew of drama that ended with me being sort of burned from the whole experience. I never noticed it before, but in the light of recent events, and with way to much time on my hands, I had come to a conclusion that regardless of the progress I’ve made the last 3 years, I am still that insecure little girl that just wants everyone to like her even if she had to pretend to be someone else. Although i love the fact that I have come to terms with my somewhat reclusive nature, and learnt to not care about what was happening around me; I do miss the naivety that came with being a child, heart open to all the possibilities and the new people i have yet to meet, thinking that i’ll finally make a place in this world instead of just being useless matter. How wrong was I right? As clichéd as it sounds, life is a never-ending journey of self discovery and no matter how much you think you’ve finally figured yourself out, life has a way of throwing you head first into an oncoming 10×10 cargo truck.

ANYWAYS, enough of that deep sentiment cliched shit.

Fudge, I realised this is going to be so obvious :(

3.

Hi friend, I know we’ve had our ups and downs and that for a short amount of time I didn’t like you very much just because you sort of always ditched me/us for other “cooler” people. But we got past that and at one point we were, i think really close. But now you’re gone and we don’t talk as much anymore, I guess its cause you seem to fit in better with people who like the same things as you. I may not be into designer things which seem to be the in the forefront of most of your minds. I don’t envy you guys at all, I know my family can’t afford it and I just, well, I just feel like nowadays, everything we seem to talk about always revert back to designer things that you guys have seen and liked. So whenever that happens, i just shut off i think, not talking, nodding, pretending I actually know what you’re talking about, but i really don’t. I got angry at you because you just weren’t trying hard enough and i can’t stand to see people just throwing their future away. But what am i to say, you obviously didn’t want to try, i couldn’t stop you. We’re complete opposites that way i think, i guess thats the major fault i have with the rest of you. But I must say, although its sad that you’re gone, i think that system fits you so much better and that makes me happy. (:

9.

Hi friend, i know we started out not close at all. We never really talked and when we were alone together it was always incredibly awkward. But after 3 left, I guess we were sort of thrown into having to be comfortable with each other, and actually start talking. We got along ok, you were definitely more outgoing than me which made for interesting conversations. We become quite close at one point, but i don’t know what happened after that, I would like to blame it on exam stress, but that’ll just be wishful thinking cause i think i was to blame. I was moody cause of the stress, i didn’t talk to anyone for the longest time just cause the topics of conversation was something i was never interested in. And i just lost any motivation to try to talk. It makes me sad because i feel that i wasn’t doing enough for the friendship but then, i tried my best i think. Now things are way too awkward and i wish i knew how to fix it. Recently, i just haven’t felt comfortable at all with the rest of you, and i’m always kicking myself in my mind for letting my need to study for the exams put such a huge wedge in my friendship with the rest of you. Maybe we’re just too different, or maybe we don’t have that much in common. I’m finding every reason that may have made our friendship so strained… but i think it all just goes back to me being such a socially awkward fucktard. Here’s to hoping the next 2 years won’t be so awkward and we’ll find a way to make everything work again.

8.

We were close. But now I’m questioning whether it was just because you had no one else? Because nowadays, you seem to just ignore my existence i guess? Maybe I’m just over-exagerrating, but given your actions lately, i just can’t think of any other reason that deems appropriate for whatever you’ve been doing. I know this is mean, but I feel like you’re trying too hard again just to get back in everyone’s good books. I liked you for who you were when no one else did. Does that say something about me? I mean I am happy that you’re with us again and everyone is all happyhappy again. But i just can’t help but wonder you know? I still regard you as a close friend, that maybe just drifted a bit. I don’t even really know what to say to you, my mind just can’t seem to come up with anything else to write. So I’m just going to leave it here, I just really hope everything will go back to normal. Maybe that means i have to make the effort too right?

6.

Hey friend. You’re probably one of the people that makes me smile even when I’m down. Ours was an unlikely friendship, but i guess we bonded over being thrown towards each other so unexpectedly. Being stuck in almost all the same classes also helped with our friendship i guess. Also i guess the fact that we have more things in common than the rest sort of make it more a likely friendship. I have to say, I am pretty happy that we became so close, and thank you for being there. (: ♥

1.

Hi friend! Obviously, from the exclamation mark you can tell i’m actually happy writing this. Thank you for being so amazing the past 2 years, we probably became friends under not so great conditions, but I’m happy nonetheless. You’ve been an amazing person to be friends with and just… I can’t thank you enough. I know i might feel kind of, sort of jealous from time to time because you do have so many friends. But i can’t just take it that you only have me as a friend. So I guess I need to work on that. But I definitely happy that we met. (: ♥

2 and 5. (Cause they’re cool like that).

Hi friends! I am so so so happy that I’ve gotten to know you guys. You are probably the one of the few people that have seen the real me just cause i feel so comfortable around you guys. You always make me smile and I’m always happy to help any one of you, be it school, or problems. I don’t know, it just makes me happy (: Thank you for making me feel like i have something to look forward to every week and just always being your normal hyper selves. Can’t thank you enough (: ♥

 

So yeah… thats it! Kind of sort of emotional, I’m giving out Christmas/ New Years cards this week so I was going to write all this sentimental shit into each of their letters anyway, so this is another alternative for me to write the not so good/ nice sounding stuff into their letters. Emotional purge. But it helped, I feel better-ish… ok no I lied, I don’t feel better cause none of them will actually ever know how I feel and that just leaves me in a bad place. Fuck, they don’t even reply my text messages asking if they wanted to meet for lunch. Guess I’m not really liked within my own circle eh? Looks like for tomorrow, I’m having lunch alone and shopping for card decorations for these people alone. Oh the fucking irony. Hate life, Hate myself, Hate my character, Hate the walls around my heart.

Shock me.

Shock me with anticipation

Give me something real

Instead of this reality

That goes without thrill

Shock me with truth and nails

Burn me with the fire in your eyes

Give me something intimate

With the truth in your voice

Shock me to a standstill

With the conviction in your movements

With the electricity from your touch

And the softness of your lips.

 

Sorry i’ve been so out of whack lately, but hahahah i haven’t had the time, i hope this makes up for it! (:

Its something i wrote, after getting inspiration from a story i recently read (: 

 

 

Song Today! : 

18th Floor Balcony – Blue October! (:

This is no game.

Everything and everyone is fucking changing.

I wish the world would just stop spinning and time would just seize to exist so that we can stay in the happiest moment in our life and not deal with all this shit. 

Life sucks people would agree.

Looking past the rainbows and into the storms.

“Across the fields on the outstretched plain
Pearly white clouds form
Painted on the pure blue landscape of sky
After the passing storm
When looking forward you see the light
Giving off an angelic glow
While behind you lies dark clouds above
Anger in their eyes doth show

The storm clouds rage with shouts of fury
Flashing lights from them shine through
While the pearly white clouds catch the sun’s light
Stretched on the bright color of blue
The dark clouds hiss and scream
And let out tears of pain
For it knows it cannot be as beautiful
As the clouds across the plain

The white clouds shine off a rainbow
As an apology to the black clouds
Then suddenly the storm’s owner stops its crying
And ceases its loud, painful shouts
The storm gives a bolt of lightning
To sign a pact of forgiveness
Then the two part as friends and leave behind
A light blue sky of emptiness”

 

 

Song Today:
Who You Are – Five Times August

And I remember the day when you told me it’s over.

Have you ever felt like your friendship is being unappreciated? Or how about being blatantly blown off by one of your closest friends? 

Today, I felt extremely lonely. Have you ever found yourself just staring into the space because no one is talking to you or you have nothing else to do? I found myself doing that several times today, I’m not looking for your pity, cause I’m not writing here because i want you guys to sympathize me, i write here just to channel my emotions somewhere less destructive. 

Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me and i find myself shrinking back into my self more and more with no one there to distract me. It’s a scary feeling, to keep thinking about your problems, mistakes and regrets and its just keeps coming at you until you will yourself to stop it. Usually I would have dance videos online or friends who would talk to me to keep me from going to that place within myself, but at times, when you’re all alone and no one is around you, those thoughts would most likely creep up on you and consume you until there’s nothing left but the shell of who you once were. In my opinion i believe everyone will experience a battle with themselves so that they won’t go to that place in your mind, some people are strong enough to overcome it and control it to a certain level but sometimes, in the moment of weakness it’s easy to surrender to the feeling. 

And no matter what you do,

It gets you everytime. 

I can definitely tell you that i have yet to overcome this, and i have a feeling that even if i try my hardest to, i will never get past the fact that I’m not strong enough for this.

 

 

Song Today:

Santa Monica – Theory of a Deadman

And I cannot believe I’m falling.

Some days as I sit in front of the computer contemplating what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, I tend to wish that a giant hole would just suck me into a world where no one knew i exist and everyone can just go about their own little mundane lives seeking their purpose. And all i had to do was sit back and watch as they take on their journey to explore and try to interpret what they are supposed to do. It’s times like these that i wish i did not have to make numerous amounts of decisions and be wary of every move i make. To be able to watch how people grow and mature as they find themselves.

Is it truly ludicrous for me to want to find myself, as cliched as it sounds?

Is it presumptuous for me to think that everyone else’s lives are apparently better than mine?

To look at someone who exudes confidence and a never-ending list of friends and admirers and think that they have already found themselves and are happy with what they’ve found?

Because though I know that being as young as we are it is quite impossible and I’m sure there are people that are truly lost with themselves. But i just can’t keep this nagging self-bashing thought out of my mind which has made me so incredibly self-conscious about my body and personality and has made my self-confidence/esteem be little to none. I just can’t help it, it’s always there, at the back of my mind telling me,

you’re not pretty enough,

you’re not good enough,

you’re not worthy,

you don’t deserve anything

Am I crazy to think all these things, even with friends that care for me and a loving family? To wish i had someone else’s life even though i know that i should be satiated with mine?

I don’t know, life as a teenager is to confusing, I feel like I’m in a stage where i am smart enough to know that money doesn’t grow on trees and four times four is sixteen, but not smart or mature enough to know what i plan to do next. It’s a stage where I am constantly trying to find myself and not succumb to peer pressure to be someone I’m not and also slowly learning what it’s like to get your feelings hurt for being too naive. 

I started this post with mixed emotions on almost everything, hoping that it’ll help me release all these crazy thoughts on everything. But it just made me leave with more questions and little answers. 

I’ve got some thinking to do. =(

 

 

 

Song Today:

Dream Catch Me – Newton Faulkner

And the fear that you won’t fall.

I think I’ve been hit with writer’s block, though I’m not a writer in any means, but i just have no inspiration or motivation to write anything. I don’t quite like this feeling, it’s, unsettling to say the least. 

Lately, choreographing for the national day performance has been the bane of my existence. I’m not saying i don’t like it, but just that I’ve been drawing a blank. It seems that it’s been happening a lot lately, i can’t explain it and it’s incredibly irritating to know that you have ideas but you just can’t seem to convey it properly. And worst thing is, I did not go for any dance class last week and I’m feeling as if my dance IQ has just dropped minutely. 

*Ok so initially there was this whole paragraph in this post talking about the H1N1 virus and how we don’t get addition school holidays, I deleted this section cause SOMEONE made me incredibly paranoid that the government might sue me or whatever. Eventhough in my defense, i thought it was pretty well written. =( Oh wells, i guess i just have to stick to keeping it all bottled up inside. xP* 

Anyways, this is just an update so that my blog wouldn’t be too dead if and when anyone comes to visit. And from now on I’m going to include a song that has been in my mind while I’m writing at the end of my posts for you guys to check out. (: My taste might be different from yours so yeah… (: 

 

Song Today:

You and Me – Lifehouse

Skyway Avenue.

Let me warn you first, this post is completely and utterly useless and a waste of time… but… eh there’s nothing better to do. (:

 

I wish my mum would quickly let me go to Heeren and let me spend ridiculous amounts of money buying stuff at SEXY DIAMOND! (: 

AND…

Ashley Greene is incredibly HOTT… dayummmmmm =(

 

Don’t you think it’s unfair that some people are just so pretty and have an amazing figure. Well i think it’s totally unfair and i want a body like that! =(

I can hear him say i love you like it was yesterday.

Ok so TWO POSTS IN A DAY!

Well the reason is not because i was bored, but because i did not want to put it with the previous post, totally different topics don’t mesh well together in one post. (:

So just a few hours ago i went to watch DANCE SUBARU with Jenni, Rachel, Bea and Shinny at Cine.

The storyline was good enough, the acting was horrible, dancing was good and overall, i thought it was an okay movie. And the fact that the English subtitles were horrible and whenever they attempted to speak English, i swear i felt bad for laughing so much.  

And did i mention… DBSK was in the movie *cue crazy screaming fangirls* don’t ask how i knew that they were in it, cause i do not want to explain, it’s a touchy topic. 

So basically, unlike Jenni, i did not feel like i wasted money and time on the movie. Cause i actually liked the movie, they had a few surprises planted throughout the movie and i think i actually almost cried. Keyword is ALMOST, so i’m not a total wuss. (: 

But now i can’t wait to watch FAME, which comes out in September. Bea has made me excited about it. (: It is something like High School Musical but its toned down on the chessy and corny-ness and it’s also something like Step – Up as well except it has Singing and dancing. Ok so my explanation of the movie is pretty bullcrap but I’m just explaining it from what i saw from the trailer! So it might not be High School Musical-ish like i said, but, whatever, it’s coming out in September and I’m definitely going to watch it! Trailer is below (: 

Fame Trailer