Some days as I sit in front of the computer contemplating what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, I tend to wish that a giant hole would just suck me into a world where no one knew i exist and everyone can just go about their own little mundane lives seeking their purpose. And all i had to do was sit back and watch as they take on their journey to explore and try to interpret what they are supposed to do. It’s times like these that i wish i did not have to make numerous amounts of decisions and be wary of every move i make. To be able to watch how people grow and mature as they find themselves.
Is it truly ludicrous for me to want to find myself, as cliched as it sounds?
Is it presumptuous for me to think that everyone else’s lives are apparently better than mine?
To look at someone who exudes confidence and a never-ending list of friends and admirers and think that they have already found themselves and are happy with what they’ve found?
Because though I know that being as young as we are it is quite impossible and I’m sure there are people that are truly lost with themselves. But i just can’t keep this nagging self-bashing thought out of my mind which has made me so incredibly self-conscious about my body and personality and has made my self-confidence/esteem be little to none. I just can’t help it, it’s always there, at the back of my mind telling me,
you’re not pretty enough,
you’re not good enough,
you’re not worthy,
you don’t deserve anything
Am I crazy to think all these things, even with friends that care for me and a loving family? To wish i had someone else’s life even though i know that i should be satiated with mine?
I don’t know, life as a teenager is to confusing, I feel like I’m in a stage where i am smart enough to know that money doesn’t grow on trees and four times four is sixteen, but not smart or mature enough to know what i plan to do next. It’s a stage where I am constantly trying to find myself and not succumb to peer pressure to be someone I’m not and also slowly learning what it’s like to get your feelings hurt for being too naive.
I started this post with mixed emotions on almost everything, hoping that it’ll help me release all these crazy thoughts on everything. But it just made me leave with more questions and little answers.
I’ve got some thinking to do. =(
Song Today:
Dream Catch Me – Newton Faulkner
